A while back , I sat in a seminar about social media. I consider myself fairly well versed in the topic, but it was nice to hear about many of the different forms out there and how they are used. I also learned about many I had never heard of.

There is one thing that was mentioned that has stuck with me. The same social problems that have been around for years exist within the world of social media, and those problems can be magnified because of it.

The presenter told us that there have been studies done linking Facebook with the rising divorce rate. After attending the seminar I came home to see if I could find any articles that spoke on the subject. One writer estimated that within five years Facebook would be one of the largest outlets for infidelity that man has ever known. Who knows if that is true, but think of the implications. Now add to it Instagram, Twitter, Tik-Tok and others.

As social networking grows, our ability to connect with people we haven’t seen in years increases. What about that boyfriend/girlfriend from high school? Or that summertime relationship from camp? Or the one you met your senior year spring break in Cancun? 20 years years ago those connections would have been long lost. Now it is as easy as point and click. It is very easy to reconnect…and sometimes very dangerous. If you are single and looking, that is one thing. If you are married…

I am an advocate for marriage. It drives me nuts when I hear people talking about how marriage isn’t what it used to be. I say that it is not marriage that has gone wrong. It is that person’s marriage. Marriage is just fine. Marriage is comprised of two people who have vowed to walk with each other through all of life, the good and the bad. It is two individuals who have chosen to be one. Problems arise when one of the individuals (or both) start making choices that damage the union. It is not marriage that has gone wrong, but the individuals that has chosen poorly. 

When someone chooses to get online and reconnect with old love interests it can create tension and excitement. You were really into them at one point in time and you find that there is still electricity there. It is exciting, but oh so dangerous. If you are married, this is very thin ice to tread on. Why have you contacted them? What is to be gained by reconnecting? If you are just saying hello after many years (and your spouse is fully aware of the contact) I see no issue with it. However, if you start having deep conversations behind your spouses back it can lead to emotional infidelity, which can lead to full blown affairs.

I discussed this with friends once. We all are very committed to our marriages and can see how social networking can facilitate inappropriate relationships. In the discussion I made a comment that seemed to fit. The grass is not only greenest on the side where you water, it is greenest on the side where there are difficulties. It is greenest where there is problems and stinky stuff you have to work through. When we work through hard times together it fertilizes our relationships. We have the chance to grow together through the good times and bad. It isn’t easy, but it is worth it.

I love my wife with all that I am. I want my actions and words to reflect that. If that means that there are people I have to deny Facebook requests from then so be it. We have been married 21 years now and it has been the most rewarding time of my life. We have grown up a lot. She has helped shape me into a man that I am proud to be. I know I have been a positive influence on her as well. We have worked hard to be where we are. I would not for one moment want to throw it away for someone that I either dumped or got dumped by, or for anyone else for that matter.

Social problems are the same as they have always been. Social media has helped magnify them. If there are problems in your relationship, I doubt they will be fixed online talking to an ex.

Have you encountered this? Have you had Facebook requests from old flames? How have you responded?

Once upon a time in my life I had a job I hated. We can all relate I am sure. One of the functions of this job was to run errands for the office. My official title was Office Manager. My actual title could have been Office Gopher/Step-and-Fetch/or Errand Boy. So, I made a point to run my errands in such a way that I got to go by places or see things that gave me hope. One day I inadvertently found an oasis.

I was trying to get to a Bank of America branch. I had a large amount of coins that I had to deposit for the business owner…this was so he could put them in his granddaughter’s savings account .It had nothing to do with the business. The drive through would not take the large coin bag and I had to go to the nearest walk in branch. It was in a downtown office building that is clad entirely in glass. Inside the building were several businesses spread over 10 stories. The first floor of the building had a large water feature. When you walk in the building it was the first and loudest thing you’d hear.

The atmosphere was amazing. It was like white noise blocking out the frustration I felt inside. There was a cafe across from the water feature. I didn’t care if it took me an extra 20 minutes to get back to work. I bought a cup of coffee and sat and listened to the water. It was a healing place.

The office I worked in was one the most unprofessional places you could imagine. From the barrage of foul language to the owner’s love of smoking cigars in an open office to off color humor, I could not see any hope some days. My self worth was plummeting. Something changed inside when I found the oasis.

In that amazing place I was reminded that there was a much bigger world out there. One that was professional and didn’t smell like a cigar bar. Every time I went I watched the people around me. They were sharply dressed. They looked like they had a purpose about them. It was an amazing encouragement. Slowly, I started to believe that I could be like that.

It has been 13 years since I first found it. I am since in a career that is light years removed from where I was. It is a place where I feel like those people I described before. I have worked hard. I have tapped into the potential that was locked inside of me. I have gained skills. I have gained respect. I know the work I do matters. However, I will not forget the lesson I learned all those years ago.

I still need the oasis, though not the one I originally found. I am not the same. I need it for different reasons now. I have new dreams and goals I am working towards, both personal and professional. Life gets so busy sometimes it is hard to find a quiet moment to think. So, I have to find an oasis. After a few minutes listening to the water (or whatever the noise may be) and being surrounded by people, the thoughts begin to flow.

Do you have an oasis? Is there a place you go to gain perspective? Does it help you find focus? If you feel stuck, I encourage you to find your own place to recharge. Even if it is just 40 minutes in the middle of an average day, it will do wonders for your soul.

I wrote this 21 years ago for my bride. Happy 21st anniversary my love.

Verse 1

For years and years I have dreamed of you and how I thought you’d be

And now here you are standing in front of me

You are more than I expected, beyond my every wish

I thank the Lord our God for giving us a love like this

When you walked down the aisle you took my breath away

I’m glad I already written the words, I wouldn’t know what to say

Our love has move beyond what words can describe

And now before God I pledge to you my life

 

Chorus

So I give to you my heart, I pledge my love forever

From now till the end we will be together

You are my best friend, please be my lover too

I am yours my darling, Marixa I love you

Verse 2

So here we are standing now before our family and our friends

Giving of our vows for a love that won’t end

What God is joining together no man can tear apart

So this day my love, I give to you my heart

No water can quench my love, it burns like fire

You are my one and only, my soul’s desire

God has smiled upon me, for I have you as a friend

With this song I say I love you from here until the end

Chorus

So I give to you my heart, I pledge my love forever

From now till the end we will be together

You are my best friend, please be my lover too

I am yours my darling, Marixa I love you

I have a friend named Mariah who is a teacher. From the way she tells the story she knew she wanted to be a teacher from the time she was a little girl. That is all she ever wanted to do. It was her dream. So, when she graduated high school she went straight to college, got her teaching degree, and has been at it in some form or fashion ever since. I need to mention as well, she is one of the best teachers I have ever known.

I envy her in a lot of ways. No, I don’t want to be a school teacher. Far from it. I envy that she knew very early on who she is. Not just what she wanted to do, but that she is a teacher and wanted to be one for the rest of her life. I also envy that she pursued it relentlessly and did what she wanted to do. There was no other option.

In contrast, I have wanted to be many things in my life. At one time I wanted to be a professional baseball player. Then I wanted to sing like Garth Brooks. Next, I wanted to be a famous writer. As I aged a few years my chosen vocations got a little less grandiose. For a time I wanted to follow in the footsteps of my favorite teacher in high school and teach high school music. Then I decided that ministry was what I needed to do, so I wanted to be a music and youth pastor. You are seeing a theme aren’t you?

Unlike Mariah, I wanted to do many things. Many because they sounded fun. Many of them because of the fortune and notoriety they would bring me. It didn’t matter that they weren’t me, and that I didn’t have the talent to go pro. They just sounded nice. These things were not who I am though. Mariah is a teacher. Who am I?

After I typed the last sentence, I stared at the computer for several minutes. I know the answer to the question. I am a communicator. I am a data guy. I love communicating ideas and information through presentations, thoughts, messages, talking, coaching, interacting, inspiring, motivating. That is who I am at my core. The problem that I encounter is that is not neat and tidy and easy to explain like being a policeman, or a fireman, or a teacher. That is ok.

You can be a communicator and serve in any of the roles that I just mentioned, or hundreds of others. So, it’s ok I didn’t have a real answer when people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. It took some time, but I too am what I want to be. I’m not as cool as Mariah, but I too love what I do.

Two words can tell a whole story. Don’t believe me? Vote Repulican. Vote Democrat. Buy domestic. Choose life. You suck. Cubs win. Jesus wept.

Two words can speak volumes. Believe it or not, an entire history can be referenced in just a few words. It might be a history people identify with, or a history they despise. It may remind them of part of their own story. For the good or bad, it may only take two words to set someone off or win them over.

Why is that? The language that we use is dripping with meaning. The words take on more than just their definitions. They evoke memories. They remind us of frustrations or triumphs. Look again at the two words sentences that I started this post with. What do they stir up in you?

So, if the words we use are this powerful…why are we not more careful with them? In our younger we have the power of life and death. We can build up and we can tear down. The words we speak are so important. Words to others and words to ourselves.

Imagine what your words, purposeful words, can do when you are telling your story? You bring people in. Form friendships. Build trust. Find purpose. It is the same for careless words. You can damage your credibility and hurt many with a few ill spoken words.

Bottom line is this: People are listening to what we are saying. They attach their own meaning to what we say, even when we don’t know that is what they are doing. Choose your words wisely. You might be saying more than you realize.