Carrying Grandma

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

My wife’s grandmother died in September of 2004, in her bed, at the end of a long stretch of not being able to eat.

There was a tumor that had closed off her ability to swallow. So she starved, slowly, over days, in her early 80s. Her husband had gone a few years before her and I’ve always believed she was ready to go find him.

When it happened her children were in the room — my mother-in-law, her sisters and brothers. My wife and I weren’t. We’d said our goodbye earlier and gotten to tell her we loved her, which is a thing I’m still grateful we did while she could hear it.

I was twenty-six. We’d been married five years.

Then the men came with the stretcher and couldn’t get it into the bedroom.

I don’t remember the exact geometry of it — a door, a hallway, the way the bed sat. What I remember is standing there while everybody looked at everybody else, and it becoming clear that somebody was going to have to carry her out to where the stretcher could reach.

My mother-in-law asked me.

There’s not much I wouldn’t do for that my mother-in-law. I love her. But I want to be honest about the request, because it was a hard thing to ask, and she asked it anyway, of a twenty-six-year-old who’d been in the family five years. I was ok with it. My wife had a much harder time.

One of my wife’s cousins came in to help. He got a foot, more or less. That isn’t a complaint — I understand it completely and I don’t think he could have done more than he did.

So I picked her up off the bed.

She was not light.

I think people expect that part to go the other way. She’d lost a great deal and she weighed far less than she once had, but she had never been a small woman and she was not a feather in my arms. It took something.

I wasn’t worried about dropping her. I just picked her up and carried her out of the bedroom and into the living room and laid her down on the stretcher. Thirty feet, maybe. Ten seconds of work.

My wife was standing in the living room. She watched the whole thing.

So I set Grandma down, and then I went and put my arms around my wife and told her it was okay.

For her it was awful. I’ve always known that. Her grandmother, her family’s house, and her husband walking through it carrying the body.

For me it was one of the great honors of my life, and I’ve never once been able to explain that to anybody without it sounding strange.

I got to be useful in the one moment where being big and twenty-six was worth something. I’ve spent most of my life being read as more intimidating than I actually am, and here was a room full of people who needed exactly what I’m built like — and I got to lift her carefully, and set her down gently, and step back out of the way.

One of the cousins asked me about it not long ago. Did I remember it.

You don’t forget carrying somebody out. But the part that comes back first isn’t the bedroom or the weight of her. It’s standing in that living room afterward with my arms around my wife.

Out Of Stuff To Say

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

Some nights I sit down to write and there’s nothing there.

I check the top of my head, find it empty, and conclude I’ve run dry. Forty-seven years of material and the drawer’s bare. Nothing worth anybody’s time.

This has been happening my whole life. What’s different now is that I’ve stopped believing it.

Here’s the thing I finally figured out. The top of my head is not the well. It’s the last four things I thought about, and if none of them were interesting, the whole inventory comes back empty.

But if I sit still — actually still, long enough for the day’s noise to drain off — something always surfaces. A conversation that stuck. A small thing somebody did. A memory that arrived for no reason I can trace.

Nothing has ever failed to come. Not once this year.

The trick isn’t finding material. It’s tolerating five quiet minutes before the panic sets in.

For most of my life my response to a blank night was to not write.

That’s it. No struggle, no discipline problem. I’d sit down, feel nothing, and go do something else. Then I’d do the same thing the next night, and the gap would open, and eventually I’d have not written for two months and would tell myself I’d been busy.

I look back at those stretches and I can see them clearly now. They weren’t dry spells. They were nights I quit early, stacked up.

What I do care about is whether it’s worth opening.

I don’t want to fill a slot. If somebody gives me four minutes of their evening I’d like them to get something for it, and the test I use is simple: did I surprise myself. If I write my way into something and think huh, I hadn’t looked at it that way, there’s a decent chance somebody else will have that reaction too. If I didn’t, I probably shouldn’t have posted it.

Almost fifty years leaves a deep well. But I’m not interested in reminiscing at people. The old material only counts if it connects to something happening now.

I know what my bad posts look like, because I wrote a lot of them a long time ago.

They’re the inspirational ones. Younger me wanted to be Zig Ziglar or Brian Tracy — wanted to say the uplifting thing, get people fired up, be the voice that moved somebody’s Tuesday. And because I didn’t actually have a settled position on any of it, everything I produced was contrived. Motivational-shaped words with nothing underneath.

I misunderstood what those men were doing. I thought the job was inspiration. It wasn’t. They were laying down foundations meant to hold up under a lifetime, and the enthusiasm was just the delivery vehicle. I copied the vehicle.

I’ve written something every day this year. Even on vacation, which I did not expect of myself.

Not because I’ve had something to say every day. Because I’ve stopped mistaking a quiet mind for an empty one.

The Warehouse

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

“Can you summarize that for me?”

I’ve been hearing some version of that my whole career. You write up a problem — the background, the angles you’ve considered, what you think ought to be done about it — and back it comes. Too long. Don’t have time for all that. Give me the high points.

So you summarize. And then, sooner or later, somebody asks you to summarize the summary.

I’m going to be honest about what that used to do to me, because the post is worthless otherwise. It annoyed me. Not because compressing things is hard — it isn’t, and helping people get more done is most of why I like this work. It annoyed me because of the story I’d attached to it, which was that people were choosing not to put in the effort.

That story was wrong, and it took me an embarrassingly long time to trade it in.

There are two versions of that request and they look identical on the screen.

Twenty years ago I was a brand-new analyst who did not know data management from a hole in the ground. I couldn’t write a query. I could open Word and Excel and that was the entire inventory. I needed people to put things on a lower shelf for me and some of them did, and I’m still grateful.

That’s the first version. It’s a novice asking, and anybody who sneers at it has forgotten what it felt like.

The second version comes from people who are nothing like novices. They’re sharp, often better at their own domain than you’ll ever be, and when they ask for the short version it isn’t because they can’t reach the high shelf. It’s because they’re carrying eleven other things and yours is the twelfth. There’s a real fire in front of them, and your carefully constructed context is one more thing asking for attention that’s already spent.

Once I started reading it as load instead of laziness, most of the annoyance went away.

But there’s a trap on the other side of that, and I almost walked into it.

If I compress everything for everybody forever, nobody ever builds the muscle. And that muscle has gotten more valuable, not less, because these tools reward the opposite of brevity. You have to be detailed with them. You have to give enough context that they don’t wander off somewhere you didn’t intend. The people getting real work out of AI are the ones who’ve learned to think out loud and in full — and nobody learns that by being handed conclusions.

So: hand people the high shelf and watch it fall, or hand them the low shelf and watch them never climb.

What I do now is neither.

I stopped summarizing and started sending the whole thing. Full context, all the reasoning, every angle I considered. Then they run it through their own tools and say give me this in a way that makes sense for me — and they get the short version at exactly the height they need it.

The difference is what survives.

When I compress something to three bullets, the detail doesn’t just leave the page. It leaves their world. If a question comes up next week that touches the part I cut, somebody has to go research the whole thing again.

You can’t ask a follow-up question of a summary. There’s nothing behind it.

Hand over the warehouse and let people set their own shelf height. They get the short version, and everything underneath it is still sitting there when they need it.

Which is the part I’d been getting wrong for years. I kept trying to find the right height.

One Thing At A Time

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

New round started today, and I’ve spent most of it taking things apart instead of adding to them.

Seven habits, same as they’ve been. Bible reading, calorie tracking, water, exercise, reading, gratitude, and this — the daily writing.

Two of them changed shape, though, and the changes are the whole point.

Bible reading and the picture project are now one habit instead of two.

I’ve been making an image for every chapter I read since January. For most of the year I’ve treated those as separate items on a list, which meant on a busy night I could check one and let the other slide.

So now the reading isn’t done until the picture is posted. One thing, one checkbox, and no version of it where I get partial credit.

The other change is that the blog and my creative work are now the same slot. Not two competing obligations at the end of a long day — one hour, and whatever’s in front of me goes in it.

Which brings me to the part I’ve been circling for weeks.

I have twelve creative projects going. Books in progress, books that need illustrations, an album written and not released, a musical half-drafted, a course outlined, frameworks in various states of almost.

Twelve is not a portfolio. Twelve is a way of always having something to work on that isn’t the hard thing.

So: one product. I finish it. Then I pick the next one and finish that. Everything else is locked — not shelved for the year, not deprioritized, locked — until the thing in front of me is done and out.

The first one is a short guide on intent. It’s the closest to finished and the decision costs me nothing to make, which is precisely why I should have made it in June.

I start on it tonight. When there’s a real draft I’m handing it to somebody outside my own head to read, because both books I published this year got materially better the moment a person who wasn’t me told me what wasn’t landing.

On the fitness side I’m restarting the lifting program from the beginning — six weeks in phase one, six in phase two, six in phase three, which runs almost exactly to the end of the year.

I’m not setting a goal weight. I’ve gone back and forth on a number for months and the number was never the problem. The practice was. So I’m doing the practice daily and letting the scale report whatever it wants to report.

The one thing I am tightening is the tracking. I’ve been estimating my food for months — eyeballing portions, doing the math in my head, calling it close enough. I flagged that as a risk back in the spring and then did nothing about it, and it turned out to be exactly the thing that came apart.

Estimates are not data. I know this professionally. I’ve built a career on the difference and I’ve been running my own body on vibes.

There’s one more thing I’m reconsidering, and I haven’t decided yet.

I’ve been running this year in forty-day rounds. It’s worked well enough. But I’ve noticed the round is the only deadline I have that isn’t attached to anything real — the lifting block has its own clock, the product finishes when it finishes, and the round just ends on a Thursday because forty days elapsed.

At work I’d never structure it that way. At work you commit to a deliverable and a date and you’re done when it’s delivered.

I might just do that here for the rest of the year. Same habits underneath, no calendar theater on top.

Reading comes back tomorrow. That one dropped in the last round and I felt the absence of it more than anything else I let go.

Ahead of the Room

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been interviewing myself.

It’s a memoir exercise — a long set of structured questions about my own life, answered out loud while I walk, cleaned up afterward. I talk into my phone in a neighborhood in Oklahoma City like a man having an argument with nobody.

What I expected was to remember things. What’s actually happened is stranger. Answering the questions in order has laid my life out end to end, and things I’ve always filed in separate drawers turn out to be the same thing.

Here’s the one I can’t put down.

At twenty-four I ran a youth ministry, and I ran it hard.

I had ideas and energy and total certainty that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, so I put my head down and went. Volunteers who’d been serving in that ministry for years brought me their opinions and I heard interference. They saw a job we’d figure out together. I saw mine.

That job ended in an office with a man telling me I could quit or be fired, and the decision was correct. I’ve never argued it.

What I could not have told you at the time is that I wasn’t failing at youth ministry. I was failing at bringing people with me, which is a different skill and one I did not know existed.

I’ve spent the last twenty years in data.

Reduce my job to a sentence and it’s this: decide how a system ought to work, then get an organization to actually do it that way. The deciding is maybe a fifth of it. The rest is walking into offices, explaining, listening to why my idea won’t work in their department, adjusting, coming back.

You cannot govern data by decree. You can publish the most correct standard ever written and if the people who touch the data every day weren’t part of it, they’ll route around you inside a week and you’ll never know until something breaks downstream.

I am now good at this. It’s most of what I get paid for.

So the sentence I heard myself say on the walk was that I’d grown up. Twenty-four-year-old me charged ahead without looking back. Forty-seven-year-old me won’t move until the room moves with him.

I’ve been sitting with that for a couple of days and I don’t think it’s true.

I don’t think I fixed anything. I think I landed in the one profession on earth where that particular failure cannot survive contact with the work. Not because I chose it — I fell into data by way of an insurance office and a friend who asked for my resume. But the job has been correcting me daily for twenty years, whether or not I agreed to be corrected, because the alternative is standards nobody follows and a phone call about broken data.

The church had no such mechanism. Nobody there was going to make me learn it. So I didn’t.

Which raises a question the memoir exercise handed me without meaning to.

If I only learned it where I was forced to, what does it look like in the places where nobody’s forcing me?

I sat down tonight and listed every creative project I have going. Several of them. Then I tried to pick three to shelve until January, which is not a hard exercise, and I got one. Every other project produced a reason it should stay.

Head down. Ideas and energy. Total certainty that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

Same man. Just nobody in the room to tell him.