Who else feels conflict between who you are and who you thought you’d be? Do you look in the mirror and not recognize the person standing in front of you? Do you like the person you see, but still find their appearance unexpected? I know I have felt this way for quite a while. I have felt the dissonance of who I am versus who I thought I would be.

When I was younger my dreams of the future were driven by the idea of being creative for a living. I saw myself as a songwriter, actor, or something else in the creative space. Those things seemed exciting and, I thought, were things that I could be passionate about for a long time. If were true, how did I end up here? I will describe where I am in more detail in a bit.

Let’s take songwriting as an example. I have posted many of the songs I have written to this blog. Songwriting is fun, challenging, and unnerving all at the same time. Penning words that the listener will hear and identify with is tough. Doing it where everything fits inside of three minutes and leaves the listener feeling satisfied is even tougher. To become proficient takes a lot of practice. To become prolific takes passionate pursuit. If I’m being honest, I have never applied either to this dream of mine.

I won’t even talk about acting. Not in the traditional sense. For the few productions I have acted in I was either an extra or a villain. Not really my cup of tea. Also, I am happily married and have no desire to act in any kind of love role. No dissonance here. I know this isn’t for me.

However, let’s not leave acting so fast. I would love to be a voice actor. I have been told over the years that I have a voice for radio. I know that I do. As I reread my paragraph about songwriting, I know if I want to make this a reality I have a lot of work to do. We will see how that one goes.

Back to that picture in my mirror. So, David, you’re telling me that you’re not the creative guy you expected to be? Is that what you’re saying? Yes and no. I don’t earn money from writing songs or singing at this time. I could in the future if I choose. I don’t make money from writing or doing voice over work. I plan to in the future. Yes, I am still very creative. However, it has manifested in various different ways…many unexpected.

Several years ago when I realized that creative endeavors would not lead me to instant fame and fortune (I never really thought they would, but it was nice to dream) I went out and got a job. I have worked in a few different careers over the past 22 years. I was a youth leader at a church for a while, led the music at a different church, and ended up leading the youth there too. Ended up with the youth at another church, until I realized that teenagers are awesome…just not 60 at a time. Not long after that I did a stint at an insurance office as an office manager. 3 1/2 years later I got a job doing something similar to what I do now…analyzing data. Now you understand why I feel dissonance between who I am and who I thought I’d be.

These days, I get to use creativity in a way I never expected. One of my primary roles in my work is to find out what people need, make the picture clear, and help them achieve what they need with their data. For some of your reading this, I know this sounds mind numbingly boring. My 20-year-old self would agree with you. However, my 41-year-old self realizes that turning people‘s needs into usable solutions is a creative skill. Many times I will take a request I’ve been given, translate it, and make it answer the question they are really asking instead of the one they thought they were asking. I’ll talk more about that some other time. Without a doubt creativity is a part of what I do every day. I absolutely love it.

At the beginning of this post I spoke about dissonance. What is dissonance? It’s a musical term that means “lack of harmony among musical notes.” Dissonance in music is not a bad thing. You will hear notes that don’t sound like they fit together, but when the music resolves you realize there was a beauty in what you just heard. The resolution is what makes it beautiful, but to get there there has to be dissonance.

I love the perspective I have gained as I have passed 40. I see my shortcomings from when I was younger and realize they don’t have to stay shortcomings. There are creative things I still wish to do. If I put in the practice and the persistence needed, I have no doubt I can still accomplish many “creative” things. This blog is quickly becoming one of those accomplishments. I am enjoying the routine of posting daily.

I still have dissonance in my life in other areas, but I feel some resolution between who I am and who I thought I’d be creatively. I am still a very creative guy. I always will be. I feel honored that I get to use that creativity in ways that provide for my family and help other people too…and to write a song from time to time.

When we fell in love, I thought, “This is it! I am so in love with this woman!” I never expected that feeling intensify over the years. Oh, my darling, has it ever. I am more in love with you today than any day gone by.

I am captivated by you. I have been for over 22 years now. I mean, come on, I remember the first time I saw you. You were beautiful then. You are so much more so now. If I think back to those early days, I realize that you captivate me in a way that I never knew you would then. You are an amazing mother.

Make no mistake, I always knew you would be a good mama. When we found out that our little one was on the way, I was excited to see you in this new way. I was nervous about how I would do, but not about you. I knew you would be great. I had no idea you would be this great.

I remember so clearly seeing you hold him that first night in the hospital. You had been so brave. You had worked so hard. You fought like a champion and we made tough decisions together. God watched over us. After all that stuff you went through, there you were with our baby in your arms. Your smile had never been more radiant. Your contentment had never been more complete. It was and is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

With each year that goes by, you keep getting better and better. How do I know this? Our boy loves you. It is a core part of who he is. He loves his mama like crazy. I am so proud to see it. I love the way he is growing up and you get so much of the credit for that. You didn’t know in the beginning that being a boy’s mama was what you were born to do, but it fits like a glove.

I am so proud to be your Husband. I love you my darling Marixa. Happy Mother’s Day to my bride. You are the perfect mother for our son. We celebrate you today!

Over the years I have written a handful of songs for Marixa. I wrote a song to sing to her when I proposed. I wrote the song for our wedding. I have written songs for her birthday and other occasions. There are a couple that she has really liked. One I wrote called By My Side is one of her favorites.

This was an attempt at writing a song that was about the one I love, without sounding like I was singing a love ballad. I love how spending time with her, regardless of what we are doing it makes me happy. There are days we could drive for hours and talk and it would be the best day. You know what I mean right? This is a fun up tempo number that I hope you will enjoy. I recorded this one myself, so it isn’t radio quality, but it was a good first take. Check it out and let me know what you think.

You. I pray that where ever you are and whatever you are going through now, that your thrive. You have a friend in Texas who is on your side. Praying for you friend.

I asked my bride to list ten thing that she felt women wanted from me. I share the following with you without commentary. This kid is from 2007. It is still true today.

1. We want your time.

2. We want you to be honest but not cruel.

3. Pay attention to what we say to you, your eyes and body language need to reflect this.

4. Do small things that show you still care about us.

5. Play, laugh, be silly, have fun with us, do stuff with us we consider fun.

6. Help out around the house, without complaining.

7. Don’t talk bad about us around other people.

8. Treat us with respect, don’t talk down to us, we are your partner.

9. Be our knight in shining armor, show that you will fight for us.

10. Make being together important, solo stuff is ok, but there has to be a balance.

I love her more with every day that passes. I have done my best to put these thing into action. This is good advice.