Dealing With A Repairing Body

~ David Willis ~ 6 Comments

I have a confession to make…I am broken. Not completely, but there are days that sure feel that way. Why am I broken? Let me explain.

On January 11th of 2018 I ended up in the Emergency Room with severe back pain. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I did know that I hurt worse than I had ever hurt in my life. The pain was unbearable. What was causing it? I had a 12 cm tumor that had wrapped around the tube between my left kidney and my bladder. In short, my left kidney was not able to drain. Ouch.

I remember when the ER doctor walked in. His face was somber. He told me the news. I took the news without much reaction. I have had cancer once before in my life…the same kind of cancer…so, I guess I had an idea of what to expect. They got my immediate needs taken care of at the ER and referred me to an oncologist for further evaluation.

It took about a month to get in with the oncologist. In that time the blood tests/tumor markers more than doubled in severity. I wasn’t just sick, I was very sick. My oncologist didn’t tell me at the time, but he was uncertain how treatable this cancer would be. (I am glad he didn’t tell me any more than I needed to know!)

Between February of 2018 and April of 2018 I was in the hospital for 24 days for chemotherapy. My body that had always (most always) been robust and strong was being stripped of strength and vitality. During my fourth round of chemotherapy I did not eat at all. I was having such an extreme reaction, I decided to go on a liquid diet. By the time chemotherapy was complete I had lost 27 pounds.

After my chemotherapy treatments were complete, I had to heal up for 6 weeks before I could have the remainder of my tumor removed. In the first part of June 2018 I checked into the hospital to have all of the lymph nodes in my abdomen, including the tumor, (and possibly my left kidney) removed. The surgery went as planned and I now had a huge scar from my sternum to my waist to remind me that I am alive and I should be thankful.

One of the things that came out of my initial diagnosis and chemotherapy treatment plan was some spots in my lower spine where the cancer had gotten into the bone. Chemotherapy can work on cancer that has gotten into the bone, but as the bone is not vascular (no blood flow) the chemo can’t get into it like it can the rest of the body. For this reason, I knew that radiation was going to be part of my treatment plan. So, at the end of July, after a lot more healing up and starting to feel somewhat normal), I went in for a PET scan so they could baseline my radiation treatments and determine what needed to be done. The results of the PET scan were…alarming.

As I said before, the tumor I had was in between my left kidney and my bladder. When I went in for my scan, it was supposed to show that the spot on my spine was healing and that there was no further activity. As you can tell from the work alarming in the last paragraph, the scan was anything but normal. I now had four 3 inch spots in my lungs. I had a massive spot on my thyroid. I had random spots throughout my abdomen. From all appearances, the cancer had metastasized and I was in a lot of trouble. They sent me in for a biopsy. Now, I had to wait for the results.

Now, there were a few things that I clung to during trying time. One, I had a blood test a week before that PET scan. My blood showed that the cancer was not there. Two, the thoracic surgeon that did my biopsy made an off comment to me during my consultation with him. He was looking through the PET scans with me and says, “You realize, there are other things this could be aside from cancer…” Um, yes…I realized that there could be…but, would it be something else? Could it be? Hope started to rise.

My oncologist called me a couple of days after the biopsy procedure was done. I answered the phone in a solemn voice. The nurse told me to cheer up, because they didn’t always call with bad news. “They have run every cancer test we know of on the samples,” my oncologist told me. “They can’t find cancer. I am 98% sure this isn’t cancer.” I started crying right there on the phone. So, what is it? It took a few more weeks for them to come back with a definitive answer: sarcoidosis. Basically, it is an inflammatory disease that affects many different organs, but primarily the lungs and the lymph nodes. Short answer? Not cancer. Can be treated. It is more medicine that I have to take and it is not something to be taken lightly, but it is treatable.

After many bouts with my insurance company, which will remain nameless…., I was finally approved for and went through my radiation treatments. I had a scan just before they started and the spot in my spine is still there…even a bit bigger, but it appears to be healing. The radiation was administered to “mop up” any of the cancer cells in the bone that could have remained.

The problem that I am facing now? My body is tired after a year of surviving. I am in worse shape than I have probably ever been in. As I mentioned in my last post, I am pursuing Yoga for it’s low impact approach. Because of the sarcoidosis medicine that I have to take, I don’t heal as quickly as I would like. I ache all over my body in different ways. It is tough…or is it? I am still here. I may not be as fast or as strong as I once was, but I will rise again. In my mind, there is no other way.

I would never wish the last year that I have had on anyone. There has been more pain, more uncertainty, more tears, more fear than I have ever wanted to deal with. How have I gotten through?

• One, I believe that God loves me and has a plan for my life. That gives me hope. I firmly believe that He is watching over me and that He is my protective shade. (See Psalms 121:5-7)

• Two, I am married to the most wonderful person I know. She is my best friend and partner through it all. She has taken our wedding vows to the extreme and walked with me through the good and the bad. I am so in love with her and want so desperately to grow old by her side.

• Three, I have the best son I could have ever asked for. He is my pride and joy. He is so helpful and brings so much light to my life. Can’t even begin to express how much I love that boy.

• Four, I have the most wonderful/supportive family and friends that I could ask for. The love, support, prayers, tears, everything has been so awesome.

How do I deal with a repairing body? The same way I got through this last year. One day at a time, being thankful every step of the way. Facing the uncertainty knowing that I have purpose and daily pushing toward it.

What does it mean to communicate?

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

I have a confession to make. I love words. I love looking at the definitions of words to see how the they work. I like to examine them and see how I can use them to better explain whatever it is I am trying to explain. Sometimes I discover I had no idea what the word meant and that I have been misusing it for years…

This morning as I started to sketch out the purpose of this post, I started to examine the word communicate. Here is the first definition that came up:

com-mu-ni-cate | verb

Share or exchange information, news, or ideas. To succeed in conveying one’s ideas or in evoking understanding in others.

When I first started reading the definition I felt it was incomplete. If communicating only involved the sharing of ideas, we would all be excellent communicators. Just shout what you want people to hear as loud as you can and viola! Job complete…it isn’t that easy is it? In a word, no.

The second part of the definition I outlined brought the meaning into focus. To succeed in conveying one’s ideas and evoking understanding in others. This, in my opinion, is the heart of communication…understanding. (Side note: This definition said nothing of creating agreement in your listener. When our audience understands us, it does not mean they necessarily agree with us. That is a different topic all together.)

In striving to be a good communicator, I am actively trying to convey my ideas and evoke understanding in my listeners. This is through the words that I say and the way that I say them. There is another element to this though. To share ideas means there is more than just one person involved. Communication is not one sided.

The final line of the first definition states:

(Of two people) be able to share and understand each other’s thoughts and feelings.

Ok, why have I taken you on a definition tour today? I believe that you have important things to say. You have a viewpoint that you need to share. You have thoughts about the world and the way that it works. You have things that you are passionate about and need to share it. Will everyone agree with you? No. That isn’t the point. It is still the way you see the world.

However, as we learn to more effectively communicate, something very interesting happens. People understand us better, yes. We also start to understand others in a way that we haven’t before. We have the opportunity to broaden our perspective. We have a chance to see things differently than we may have before. We change our minds. We sharpen our viewpoints. We evolve and grow.

Effective communication brings us together. I may not agree with everything you tell me, but we have a much better chance of seeing eye to eye if we understand where the other is coming from and why. That understanding can break down walls. Truly communicating is powerful stuff.

A Communicator’s Confession

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

I have something to get off my chest. Something that I need to get out in the open once and for all. I am not proud of this. It frustrates me daily. Writing these words is, I hope, my first steps in overcoming this issue. What is it that has me? Having a voice and refusing to use it. 

What? What does he mean by that? Let me explain.

We all have hopes, dreams, ambitions, talents…all the stuff you read about in blogs and in various self help books. Deep inside ourselves, as the cliche tells us, we know that we are meant for more. However, many of us…and by many of us I mean me…freely admit that we are meant for more and then do absolutely nothing about it. We take solace in the fact that there is untapped greatness inside and live that greatness out in fantasy…only to wake up from time to time totally dissatisfied with the reality we have created.

I am tired of living in my head. I am tired of only imagining. It is time to turn imagination into reality…even if reality ends up looking different than what I first dreamt up. It is time to move forward. 

What is it I dream of? What is the voice I refuse to use? I dream of communities of people that communicate clearly with each other. I desperately want to see people come together on issues that keep them far apart, because I believe we are only far apart because we have forgotten, or have never known, how to effectively communicate with one another. Take almost any issue that faces the world today and you will generally find two sides of the story. Two parties at war with each other over the best way to handle the situation. What is the truth of the matter? There are far more than two sides of the story…there are far more solutions that we allow ourselves to imagine. 

Where does this desire of mine come from? I have been speaking in front of groups of people for many years as a part of Toastmasters and through other venues. It has been my great honor to listen to the stories and the ideas of hundreds of people as they work on their ability to speak in public. I have worked very hard to craft messages that resonate with people around the subjects of motivation, dreams, and other uplifting subjects. One of the things I have found through my own speeches and through listening to the presentations of others? We are all more alike that we are different. We have much more in common that we are willing to admit. Just like the speaking community Toastmasters, we need  communities of diverse people that communicate and work out life together. 

What do I hope to achieve through this blog? I have many  questions to  wrestle though and a story to tell. I want to be a better communicator and encourage anyone who reads these words to join me in that journey. I believe this life in only lived right when we are living it to better ourselves and others. This is my first step along that journey. I would be very honored if you would join me along the way.

It is not all about me.

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

I have been running into a common theme lately: Leadership is not all about what you (as the leader) may want. Leadership is not about always getting your way. It is about casting a vision in front of people and then working with them to take your initial vision and turn it into something that everyone can take ownership in. Leadership is about seeing the next place you need to go as a group, and then having everyone get there together.

What do I mean? If I come to you with an idea that I have and ask for your help, but don’t allow you to have any input, will you be invested in the outcome of my idea? Not really. You would simply be helping me with one of my crazy ideas, and upon its completion would have very little lasting impact in your life.

Now, take the same scenario and tweak it a little bit. I have an idea that I bring to you. I tell you what I am wanting to do with it. I ask for your help, your advice, and your active input. You are excited about the idea and want to become a part. My idea has now become our idea. We work on it together. When we are finished, I doubt that it looks much like what I initially brought to you. The idea has changed…many times for the better.

Many years ago I worked in a small church setting. I was a youth pastor with a lot of energy and self proclaimed “brilliant” ideas. I did not understand the principle I have described above. I believed it was my responsibility to tell everyone else what we needed to be doing. What did I get in return? Leaders who did not know where we were going, or trust that I could get them there. I was too arrogant to admit that I didn’t know where we were going. I was the leader. I was going to get us there. Wherever there was. Had I joined with them and gave up the need to have things my way, who knows the good things we would have been able to accomplish together? It was a missed opportunity, but a step in my education of what leadership is.

Fast forward ten years. I am in a leadership role with a business group that I am associated with. I believe in the mission and purpose of the organization. I believe what in what we stand for. I feel the need to lead. However, I don’t feel the need to always have my way. I am eager to meet with people and hear their vision about what we are doing. As the groups leader, I want to share my vision and then work with them to get to a place that was better than any of us intended when we began. I want the organization to be better after my time as a leader is gone. I want others to want to step in and take the vision ever further. If I can accomplish this, I will feel like I have done what I am supposed to.

Who is that old guy?

~ David Willis ~ Leave a comment

I was reading the other night and a startling image caught me by surprise. The light of my iPad was shining in my face and I looked up for a moment and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Maybe it was just the half light of the screen that made my face look older? It wasn’t. It certainly accentuated the lines that didn’t used to be there. I almost didn’t recognize myself. When did my reflection start looking so old?

Ok. I am not that old, but I am certainly starting to feel older. I will be 33 later this week. I have been out of my twenties for a while now and am steaming on to bigger numbers in the 30 series. I haven’t been feeling it too much, but it doesn’t help that I had a coworker remind me that Jesus was crucified when he was 33. I thanked her…with sarcasm, but thanked her nonetheless. Just when I got over that, a guy at church called me sir yesterday. It happens, I suppose. Oh well.

Part of aging includes remembering. Marixa and I have been talking a lot lately about memories. What do we remember? How long has it been? What significance did that period of time have? What did we learn? This is what I pulled from the conversation: What we remember is important. What we do with it is more important.

You hear the hypothetical question all the time: if you could go back to when you were younger, knowing what you know now, would you do it? My answer? No. Sure it would be nice to go back and make better use of my teenage years, save some more money, not date some of the women I dated, and so on, but I wouldn’t be the same. If I made it back to where I am now with a different view of life I may not have the things that mean the most to me now: my wife, my son, etc.

It was all of those life experiences that have made me into the man that I am today. If I hadn’t made a lot of the blunders and idiot mistakes I made over the years, I would not be who I am. It has taken a while, but I am really starting to like the guy in the mirror. I am finally becoming comfortable being myself. I know myself much better these days. It was only through the process of self discovery (and getting older) that I got here.

The old saying is true. People who don’t learn from their mistakes are destined to repeat them. Those who don’t remember what happened, may walk down that road again. There are things in my past I am not proud of. There are choices I made that I would not make again. So, I remember them. I remember how it felt when I was going through them. I don’t want to go back so I choose a different way.

Yeah, he’s getting older. There are more lines on his face. There is much more gray on his head than there used to be, but they guy in the mirror’s life is getting better. I can’t go back and change what has happened in the past, but I am doing my best to take the memories I have and learn from them. The reflection is going to keep getting older, but the smile on his face has a chance to get wider as the years go by. I will take that over going back any day.