The Butterfly Effect and Me

Can one mundane decision change your life? Many of us would like to think that the little decisions we make are just that…little…insignificant…you know, mundane. At one point I may have agreed with you. Not now. Why you ask? The butterfly effect.

What is the butterfly effect? Aside from being an Ashton Kutcher movie, it is also a scientific theory that the beat of a butterflies wings on one side of the world can cause a chain of events that causes a hurricane on the other side of the world. I’m not a scientist, so check out Wikipedia for that story, but what I do know is small things (or choices) can cause big results.

I could catalogue many different little things that have turned out to be big, but I will offer these two:

1. It was the spring of 1998. I was a sophomore in college and in serious need of community. I had moved a couple of hundred miles away from home to follow my dream of being an opera singer…ok, that wasn’t my dream, but I was a vocal major for a couple of years and opera may have been involved…and I didn’t have a lot of friends. So, I started attending the Baptist Student Union on campus. It was full of cool people and I really enjoyed drinking soda and playing ping pong.

One of the guys that I met there, Matt, was a student at the university and also the college pastor at a local church. He invited me and anyone else interested to come with him to Bible study at the church…more free food was involved, so naturally I was in. I enjoyed being around Matt. He was funny and a good dude. So, as I had the chance I tried to get more involved.

On April 1st of 1998, a fool of a day, I went out to meet Matt at the church. While we were walking in, a very pretty blonde haired lady was walking out. Matt introduced us and we went on about our days. I had no idea that I had just met my future wife…who I have been married to for over 20 awesome years.

Going out to the church was not a mission to meet girls. It was just a simple decision that led me to the most wonderful friendship I have ever know. Who knew that free food and ping pong could lead to so much good?

2. When my bride, Marixa, and I got married we were very much in love. It is a good thing too, because we barely had two pennies to rub together. So, we had a small apartment and both got jobs to pay the bills. I became a music/youth leader at a church and Marixa went to work at a beauty salon. (That is what they call places where they do nails, hair, massages and all that stuff right?)

Marixa did her best to fit in and soon became friends with one of the ladies at the salon. We were soon hanging out with her friend from work and the friend’s fiancé, J. We really enjoyed their company and were friends for a quite a while.

A few years passed and I was no longer working in churches and was in a job that I, quite frankly, hated. The office I worked in had more cigar smoke in it that a biker bar. The owner of the business smoked 4-6 stogies a day…10 feet from my desk. I was an “office manager” which basically meant a glorified step-and fetch. No bueno.

On day, J called me and asked me to send my resume. He was working for a really good company and they needed an entry level person. At that point, I didn’t care what I needed to learn…it sounded awesome and I wanted the job. I mean, they got to go to work and have fresh air?!! Soon after I was in an interview, and then hired into an entry level job, and then promoted, and then, and then…that was almost 12 years ago.

Marixa taking a job at a beauty salon and befriending cool people has led me to a career I love, doing a job I would t have known how to describe back in the day. (As a side note, I did not finish the music degree and my twenty year old singing self would be disgusted with my 40 year old data manager self…oh well!) I can’t even imagine where we would be without the events I described above taking place.

These things seemed mundane at the time. They were small day to day things that have led us down an amazing path. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I can name several other things that have been equally as impactful, for either me or those very close to me.

I can’t even begin to describe how crazy thankful I am for these small things. Interestingly enough, both of the people that helped initiate these changes in my life have been out of my life for quite some time. In both cases, life took us all different ways. I am thankful for the time I spent with them and the positive influence they had on my life, whether they realized they did at the time.

Have you had a similar experience? Finding those amazing small things in your life brings into focus how important it is to live in the present every day. I pray I have been a help to others the same way these to awesome people were to me.

I have a confession to make…I am broken. Not completely, but there are days that sure feel that way. Why am I broken? Let me explain.

On January 11th of 2018 I ended up in the Emergency Room with severe back pain. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I did know that I hurt worse than I had ever hurt in my life. The pain was unbearable. What was causing it? I had a 12 cm tumor that had wrapped around the tube between my left kidney and my bladder. In short, my left kidney was not able to drain. Ouch.

I remember when the ER doctor walked in. His face was somber. He told me the news. I took the news without much reaction. I have had cancer once before in my life…the same kind of cancer…so, I guess I had an idea of what to expect. They got my immediate needs taken care of at the ER and referred me to an oncologist for further evaluation.

It took about a month to get in with the oncologist. In that time the blood tests/tumor markers more than doubled in severity. I wasn’t just sick, I was very sick. My oncologist didn’t tell me at the time, but he was uncertain how treatable this cancer would be. (I am glad he didn’t tell me any more than I needed to know!)

Between February of 2018 and April of 2018 I was in the hospital for 24 days for chemotherapy. My body that had always (most always) been robust and strong was being stripped of strength and vitality. During my fourth round of chemotherapy I did not eat at all. I was having such an extreme reaction, I decided to go on a liquid diet. By the time chemotherapy was complete I had lost 27 pounds.

After my chemotherapy treatments were complete, I had to heal up for 6 weeks before I could have the remainder of my tumor removed. In the first part of June 2018 I checked into the hospital to have all of the lymph nodes in my abdomen, including the tumor, (and possibly my left kidney) removed. The surgery went as planned and I now had a huge scar from my sternum to my waist to remind me that I am alive and I should be thankful.

One of the things that came out of my initial diagnosis and chemotherapy treatment plan was some spots in my lower spine where the cancer had gotten into the bone. Chemotherapy can work on cancer that has gotten into the bone, but as the bone is not vascular (no blood flow) the chemo can’t get into it like it can the rest of the body. For this reason, I knew that radiation was going to be part of my treatment plan. So, at the end of July, after a lot more healing up and starting to feel somewhat normal), I went in for a PET scan so they could baseline my radiation treatments and determine what needed to be done. The results of the PET scan were…alarming.

As I said before, the tumor I had was in between my left kidney and my bladder. When I went in for my scan, it was supposed to show that the spot on my spine was healing and that there was no further activity. As you can tell from the work alarming in the last paragraph, the scan was anything but normal. I now had four 3 inch spots in my lungs. I had a massive spot on my thyroid. I had random spots throughout my abdomen. From all appearances, the cancer had metastasized and I was in a lot of trouble. They sent me in for a biopsy. Now, I had to wait for the results.

Now, there were a few things that I clung to during trying time. One, I had a blood test a week before that PET scan. My blood showed that the cancer was not there. Two, the thoracic surgeon that did my biopsy made an off comment to me during my consultation with him. He was looking through the PET scans with me and says, “You realize, there are other things this could be aside from cancer…” Um, yes…I realized that there could be…but, would it be something else? Could it be? Hope started to rise.

My oncologist called me a couple of days after the biopsy procedure was done. I answered the phone in a solemn voice. The nurse told me to cheer up, because they didn’t always call with bad news. “They have run every cancer test we know of on the samples,” my oncologist told me. “They can’t find cancer. I am 98% sure this isn’t cancer.” I started crying right there on the phone. So, what is it? It took a few more weeks for them to come back with a definitive answer: sarcoidosis. Basically, it is an inflammatory disease that affects many different organs, but primarily the lungs and the lymph nodes. Short answer? Not cancer. Can be treated. It is more medicine that I have to take and it is not something to be taken lightly, but it is treatable.

After many bouts with my insurance company, which will remain nameless…., I was finally approved for and went through my radiation treatments. I had a scan just before they started and the spot in my spine is still there…even a bit bigger, but it appears to be healing. The radiation was administered to “mop up” any of the cancer cells in the bone that could have remained.

The problem that I am facing now? My body is tired after a year of surviving. I am in worse shape than I have probably ever been in. As I mentioned in my last post, I am pursuing Yoga for it’s low impact approach. Because of the sarcoidosis medicine that I have to take, I don’t heal as quickly as I would like. I ache all over my body in different ways. It is tough…or is it? I am still here. I may not be as fast or as strong as I once was, but I will rise again. In my mind, there is no other way.

I would never wish the last year that I have had on anyone. There has been more pain, more uncertainty, more tears, more fear than I have ever wanted to deal with. How have I gotten through?

• One, I believe that God loves me and has a plan for my life. That gives me hope. I firmly believe that He is watching over me and that He is my protective shade. (See Psalms 121:5-7)

• Two, I am married to the most wonderful person I know. She is my best friend and partner through it all. She has taken our wedding vows to the extreme and walked with me through the good and the bad. I am so in love with her and want so desperately to grow old by her side.

• Three, I have the best son I could have ever asked for. He is my pride and joy. He is so helpful and brings so much light to my life. Can’t even begin to express how much I love that boy.

• Four, I have the most wonderful/supportive family and friends that I could ask for. The love, support, prayers, tears, everything has been so awesome.

How do I deal with a repairing body? The same way I got through this last year. One day at a time, being thankful every step of the way. Facing the uncertainty knowing that I have purpose and daily pushing toward it.

I have something to get off my chest. Something that I need to get out in the open once and for all. I am not proud of this. It frustrates me daily. Writing these words is, I hope, my first steps in overcoming this issue. What is it that has me? Having a voice and refusing to use it. 

What? What does he mean by that? Let me explain.

We all have hopes, dreams, ambitions, talents…all the stuff you read about in blogs and in various self help books. Deep inside ourselves, as the cliche tells us, we know that we are meant for more. However, many of us…and by many of us I mean me…freely admit that we are meant for more and then do absolutely nothing about it. We take solace in the fact that there is untapped greatness inside and live that greatness out in fantasy…only to wake up from time to time totally dissatisfied with the reality we have created.

I am tired of living in my head. I am tired of only imagining. It is time to turn imagination into reality…even if reality ends up looking different than what I first dreamt up. It is time to move forward. 

What is it I dream of? What is the voice I refuse to use? I dream of communities of people that communicate clearly with each other. I desperately want to see people come together on issues that keep them far apart, because I believe we are only far apart because we have forgotten, or have never known, how to effectively communicate with one another. Take almost any issue that faces the world today and you will generally find two sides of the story. Two parties at war with each other over the best way to handle the situation. What is the truth of the matter? There are far more than two sides of the story…there are far more solutions that we allow ourselves to imagine. 

Where does this desire of mine come from? I have been speaking in front of groups of people for many years as a part of Toastmasters and through other venues. It has been my great honor to listen to the stories and the ideas of hundreds of people as they work on their ability to speak in public. I have worked very hard to craft messages that resonate with people around the subjects of motivation, dreams, and other uplifting subjects. One of the things I have found through my own speeches and through listening to the presentations of others? We are all more alike that we are different. We have much more in common that we are willing to admit. Just like the speaking community Toastmasters, we need  communities of diverse people that communicate and work out life together. 

What do I hope to achieve through this blog? I have many  questions to  wrestle though and a story to tell. I want to be a better communicator and encourage anyone who reads these words to join me in that journey. I believe this life in only lived right when we are living it to better ourselves and others. This is my first step along that journey. I would be very honored if you would join me along the way.