I can’t think of many things that hurt more than seeing hurtdisappointmentrejection/loss in the face of your own child. This is especially true when they felt safe and then no longer feel safe in a place or situation.

Not long ago we were visiting somewhere new. My boy (T) was around a group of kids that he was meeting for the first time. I am always curious how the interactions will go, but am confident that he can handle most things thrown at him. The adults were gathered in one room, and the kids were off playing in another. Everything appeared to be fine.

As we were wrapping up the evening, T came out you could tell that something was off. His mama checked on him and found out that some of the boys were playing a bit rougher than he is used to. He felt like they were being bullies. After a bit more conversation, I realized they were not just being bullies, but were engaging in competitive banter. What is that? Trash talk.

Now what, you ask, is the difference between bullying behavior and being competitive? There is a distinct line, in my opinion. It is fairly thin though.

I have grown up around competition. I have had guys tell me that I am awful to throw me off my game. It occurred in the game and they knew and so did I that it was being done in competitive fun. Generally afterwards there was friendly conversation and no one left feeling insulted.

Bullying, on the other hand, is done to purposely put the other person down to make the bully feel superior. There is no game that is being played. It is not being done as a joke. It is done to suppress and hurt the person being bullied. I think if we all are honest, there are times we have been bullied and there are times where we have acted like a bully.

Where do I stand on the issues of trash talk and bullying? I don’ t like either one. Once I realized what they are and what they do, it made me aware of why I never liked them to start out with. If you are trash talking, you are being mean to help you play your game better. If you are bullying, you are being mean to make yourself seem better than another.

If I am playing a game now, and I am playing to win….I do it quietly or I tell jokes. I find making your opponent laugh is much more distracting than trash talk. If someone starts to trash talk me now, I usually ignore it. Just because they are stooping that low doesn’t mean I have to. Most games I play these days are not winner take all. Playing to enjoy is usually what I am up to now. Jokes work in this environment as well.

As far as bullying…yeah…don’t do it.

So, how did we handle the situation with our boy? I asked the dad of the trash talking boys to join us. I unpacked what had happened. With real compassion he apologized to my boy and offered to have his boys apologize as well. My boy thanked him. After the scene was over, we reminded T that things like that are going to happen. How we respond to it is what is important. He did the right thing. He told us what was wrong. He was honest about what happened. He asked for help immediately.

We were then able to remind him that his worth and value have nothing to do with the hurtful comments that he received. Just like when you are offered something you don’t want…you don’t have to take it. He was offered mean comments. He now knows he doesn’t have to accept them.

I didn’t know it the first time I met you

You smiled at me and looked the other way

I didn’t know when you walked into the next room

That one day you would take my breath away

I didn’t know the one day I’d be counting hours

Until I could hear your voice again

I didn’t know that I’d see you walking down the isle

Putting my ring on your hand

I didn’t know that I would love the small things

Like the way I find your hairs on me.

I didn’t know I would be this happy

Just to hear you laugh uncontrollably

I didn’t know that you could spend forever

And still find things you never knew

I didn’t know what true love was

Not until I started down this path with you.

I’m so thankful for the things I didn’t know.

I have a confession to make. I can sing. Yes. I can sing fairly well. No, I won’t sing anything for you to prove it. Well, maybe I might. You pick the song and pay for the karaoke. The truth is I don’t do it much at all anymore. But there was a day…

A long time ago in a world far, far away, there was a time I sang a lot. I mean, all the time. Incessantly. Sometimes the singing was good. Other times it resembled Will Farrell’s character in the movie “Elf” (I am in a store and I am singing…). I enjoyed singing before I got to high school, but I really started to focus in on it in about the 10th grade. I got some funny looks when I gave up most sports for choir, but that is what I wanted to do.

I still remember a comical phone call from an army recruiter my senior year:

“Hello Young Man,” a gruff, but friendly voices said on the other end of the phone. 

“Hello, sir. How can I help you?” I replied respectfully. 

“Son, have you ever considered a career in the armed forces? The Army could just be the place for you.”

“Thank you sir,” I replied politely. No, I hadn’t through of going into the Army. I had no interest in it either, but it is nice to be wanted to so I continued the phone conversation 

“Tell me something boy,” the recruiter said sizing me up. “How big a boy are you?”

“Six foot and 190 pounds.”

“Really?” I could hear that he was pleased. He thought he had a good sized fish on the line. He decided to try to reel it in. “What do you like to do?”

Upon hearing this question, I smiled. “I sing bass in the choir.” 

There was a slight pause. “I am sorry young man. I don’t believe we have a spot for you.” True story.

I sang in the school mixed choir, men’s choir and show choir. I also sang in the church choir and performed solos for services. I just loved to sing. It became my identity. So much so that I became extremely competitive and a tad bit arrogant. Ok. A lot arrogant. I thought I could sing really well. Turns out, I was partly right. I could sing. The quality of the signing from those days is still in question. Some was very good. Some never needs to be heard by human ears ever again.

I tried out for many honor choirs while I was in high school. I was in the All District Choir 3 times. I made the All State Choir twice. I even made a Regional National Honor Choir as well. I went to every summer music camp that I could find. I loved those days. I got to sing and I enjoyed it. 

After high school, I got a full scholarship to go to college to sing. So, my freshman year of college I attended University where I majored in Vocal Music Education. I knew I loved singing and I had no idea how I would make a career out of it, so getting my degree to teach it seemed like the thing to do. I figured that I could also lead music at a church somewhere while teaching music at school. It would be the best of both worlds. While there I was in the choirs, show choir, and even a barbershop quartet. I enjoyed it for a time, but I began to get restless.

I thought the restlessness was just that I needed to get out of the small town where I went to high school. So, I auditioned at a different University and I received a full scholarship to sing. I was on my way again, on an exciting adventure doing something that I loved. While there, I changed my major from Vocal Music Education to Vocal Performance. I can’t say I put a lot of thought into it, but it has been interesting over the years telling people that I majored in ”Opera” at school.

By the end of my sophomore year, I knew that I did not enjoy the choir environment as much as I once had. It may have been the fact that I was singing more than I ever had at that point, but I am not sure that is why my passion was slipping away. I was beginning to understand that I wasn’t as good as I had always thought I was. There were singers around me that were a lot better than me. Some that weren’t as good. But, everyone had their own very strong opinions of what they thought good and bad singing was. I got told more than once by an upperclassmen that I was not matching pitch. I wanted to punch him. He was probably right…

My junior year of college was starting and I knew that I needed to make a change. So, I walked into the counsellor’s office and I asked what the shortest route to victory was. I was almost 80 hours into my college journey and I changed majors. Funny thing was though, six months later I took my first (mostly) full time position at an area church as a…you guessed it…music minister. Maybe I just wanted to use my singing to serve God. In another 2 years I was burned out on that as well. 

I finally realized that I love music, because I love music. I don’t need a degree to love it. I don’t have to sing in a choir. I don’t have to sing professionally. I certainly don’t need to lead a choir. If I choose to write a song, I write a song. If I want to learn a something new on my guitar or piano, I do that. Once when my boy was younger I had my guitar out and I was making up silly songs about my his socks and how I didn’t want him to touch me with his stinky feet. I loved every minute of that. He did too.

Sometimes I wonder if I missed it by not finishing my music degree…nope. For me, music is something I enjoy for me. I’m ok with that.

Is it possible that we get so busy living our lives that we never ask ourselves am I where I want to be? Some may know the answer to this, but many of us are left puzzled. Have we never really paused long enough to think about the question?

For example…the person who weighs 400 pounds. The person who spends every night at the bar. The person who spends every extra penny at the casino. What got them there? What will get them out? What have they been searching for the entire time? The answer is out there, even if it is not where they are lookng. The answer is out there for you and me as well.

This the good news. We don’t have to stay where we are. We can choose to look in the mirror. We can choose to be honest. If you can’t be honest with the person staring back at you, you can’t be honest with anyone. Ask the question….what makes me happy? Where do I find joy? Am I where I want to be? Take a few steps back and look at your situation. Ask a friend you trust for their opinion. Get a good clear picture. If you aren’t there yet, knowing what you want is the first step.

This quote is one of my favorites:

There is a giant asleep within every man. When the giant awakes, miracles happen. — Frederick Faust

I have been actively trying to prod my own giant of late. Having gone through cancer last year my body has not been in the best of shape. While I have been cancer free for 18 months now, my 41 year old body seemed stuck. I was having a hard time shaking the extra weight I had put on. I was heavier than I had been in…almost ever. I wasn’t healing as fast as I needed to. I just felt rough all over. I had to take a look in the mirror and ask myself some hard questions.

Was it the cancer that had me feeling this way? Was I just a victim to chemotherapy and it’s affects on the body? Was I really stuck? The answer that came back to me? No. This was my fault.

My choices had to change. Sure, chemo and other meds did a job on my body, but I wasn’t giving it every opportunity it needed to get better. My choice to eat whatever I wanted and drink more than I should wasn’t helping. My choice to not be consistent in my exercise wasn’t good either. The cancer left it’s mark, but I was the one to blame here.

The solution? I took my power to choose back. In September of this year I committed to following an eating and exercise program. I don’t call it a diet because I am not dieting. I have chosen to be different with my lifestyle. I use a calorie counter now and stick to a reasonable calorie limit. I intermittently fast. I have a workout routine I follow. I have completed 17 weeks now without missing. I have lost 25 pounds in four months. Truth be told, I am mad at myself for not finding the honesty and chutzpah to do all of this sooner.

When we start being honest about where we are, we can begin to take steps in the right direction. With each step we take, we make choices. These choices can lead to the miracle that Faust was describing.

Are your choices taking you toward the life you want? Or further away? Make the choice today to wake up the giant. Make the choice to do something great.

Hope makes the heart tingle. It energizes as it moves in.

It makes its way across the body and it spreads throughout your limbs.

Lungs that were dusty breathe in fresh and deep.

Your brain waves start moving as the giant awakes from its sleep.

Purpose now in view, destiny not far behind.

The eyes of your soul are no longer blind.

So breath in the air and bask in the warmth of the sun.

Your future is calling. Your winter is done.

What started as a spark has fanned into a flame.

Purpose has remade you. You have a new name.

A body once useless has found its glory once again.

Hope has brought life to the future of the man.